Armour of God (1986) [Film Review]

Armour of God; or, Jackie Chan and the Temple of Lunatic Satanist Monks

When talking about Hong Kong cinema it seems as quite a fool’s errand not to mention one of its greatest pillars. The one and only epic, ass-kicking, kid-friendly, and politically correct stuntman/actor/director/(occasional) singer, Jackie Chan.

Release Info

Directed by: Jackie Chan Starring: Jackie Chan, Alan Tam, Lola Forner, Rosamund Kwan

Language: Cantonese Original Title: Long xiong hu di Movie Industry: Hong Kong Runtime: 88 min (US cut)

Plot

In this movie Jackie plays... Jackie (as in most of his films), but to be more specific, Asian Hawk, a ruthless treasure hunter who, unlike Indiana Jones, tracks down valuable artifacts and later sells them in auctions to make a profit. Well, Jackie’s abilities in field are so impressive that a group of Satan-worshipping monks decide to blackmail him so that he could get for them a complete set of the so-called Armour of God (the only five remaining pieces of weapon with which the Crusaders defeated the Pagans). In order to carry out their plan, the devilish monks kidnap Jackie’s friend Lorelei (Rosamund Kwan). With the help of her fearful fiancé Alan (Alan Tam), eccentric Count Bannon (Bozidar Smiljanic) and his daughter May (Lola Forner), fearless Asian Hawk rushes to the rescue.

A Classy-ish Jackie Chan’s picture

Armour of God was made at the height of Jackie Chan’s cinematic career. After  such successful and unforgettable action flicks as Drunken Master, Project A, and Police Story, the fearless action man decided it would be a good idea to have a take on Indiana Jones-style of entertainment... Well, he was wrong. In my opinion, Armour of God is probably the weakest directorial entry out of all Jackie’s classics from the 1980s.

The primary flaw of this movie is the screenplay. Whereas the idea of Jackie Chan going on a treasure hunt sounds quite cool, the way the whole thing is written feels quite... embarrassing. First of all, the characters are horribly drafted and there’s no sense of chemistry between them. Initially Jackie/Asian Hawk looks a bit uninterested when his effeminate friend Alan begs him to help. Later, when the two finally resolve to cooperate, they go to Count Bannon who also doesn’t give a damn about the whole issue (having three pieces of the Armour covered in dust in the corner of his room). On top of that, there’s also May, the blandest character of all, whose communication abilities when convincing her father to let her go on an adventure come down to nasally produced “Hmmm”...

Additionally, the plot holes are numerous. I understand that while watching Jackie Chan’s flicks, it's a required necessity to suspend our disbelief, but in this case, it goes beyond the limits. For example, what kind of a plan is that to kidnap a treasure hunter’s friend in order to make him find the artifact? Wouldn’t it be simpler to just hire him? Or, May conveniently falls asleep while a possessed Alan and Lorelei steal the Armour. Or, when trying to get to the monk’s temple, Jackie and Alan dress up in robes and it’s a perfect disguise for two Asians in a truck full of European whores...

However, when posing such harsh statements, by no means do I intend to criticise the action sequences of the picture. Jackie, as always, did a splendid job with these. These are a true pleasure to watch, right from the opening intro with an African tribe, through a bombastic car chase in a village town, to an epic showdown with a Grand Wizard (Ken Boyle) and his team of Grace Jones’ choir girls.

The pain of US Cuts

Maybe, partially the faults of this particular film are due to the Miramax version that is widely available on Blu-Ray and DVD formats. Apart from a horrible English dub (in which Jackie has no sense of intonation) and soundtrack re-scoring to make it sound like from a work-out vhs cassette, roughly 10 minutes of the original footage were cut out (allegedly, to increase the pacing...). I’m still on the lookout for the uncut Hong Kong version of Armour of God, but so far without success.

Recommendations

In spite of aforementioned issues, Action (with a capital A) is what makes Armour of God a watchable and entertaining film. If you like Jackie Chan films, you can safely watch it, but remember to take the story’s idiocies with a pinch of salt. Thankfully, Jackie learned his writing mistakes and in 1991 made the almost flawless Armour of God 2: Operation Condor. Later, he unlearned everything with the horrible Armour of God 3: Chinese Zodiac.

Overall score: 6/10